It's the end of 2010, while typing this I suddenly recalled the time when I were typing this way back in 2009. How fast time flies. Another year passed just like that but with no achievement in life. What a failure I am in life.. No, I still have everyone around me, just like 'you' whom are reading, friends and family not to forget the one giving me support all this while - my lover.

In others' eyes, I might be the bitchy one. But in his eyes, I'm always the perfect one. People may find me heartless or cruel for letting go of the past relationship but I'm really glad that there are friends whom walk up to me and tell me "It's alright, you've the right to pursue what you want in life. After all, you don't deserve all these." Those words really touched my heart. Sometimes in life, an encouragement is all it takes. I know how unreasonable I am, how bad tempered I am, especially after drinks/quarrels yet he's still always there for me no matter how I treated him. I'm not the sweetest girl on Earth, neither will I drown him in caramel but whatever that I've said be it now or before was way deep down from the bottom of my heart.. There are people against us, against our relationship. And for I was someone that couldn't take remarks with high self-esteem, he was often hurt by my weakness. I couldn't bring myself to forgo what I've heard. Friends are always there, telling me to think for my own future, not others' ignorance comments but not everyone can do it. It's hard, seriously.

2011 is coming. Just another 7hours. Here I am, sitting down wondering about my new resolutions. Am not partying tonight. It's such a waste to miss the countdown party tonight but well, no choice. Mum is going for her countdown session so I've gotta look after my kids. Ain't that bad after all. At least we had fun last night, excluding the crying session of course. After drinks at a pub, I've no idea why everyone started their heart-to-heart chat uh. While talking, I can no longer suppress my emotions. Tears started falling and that causes my make up to smudge luh, oh my god! Must have looked very bad over at MBK last night. Aww~

Anyway, back to my new resolutions :

1. Happiness is all around us.
2. Health is with us.
3. Money into pockets.
4. Knowledge in my brains.
5. Above to be fulfill.

p/s - My 'us' refers to everyone around me =) May 2011 be a better year for everyone out there. The chides made me grow, the hurts made me mature. I will learn to cherish everything and be myself!

Last but not least, Happy New Year !

"We had fun, we had joy"













Zen&Len

Boom! Bet everyone is in the holiday mood already, especially New Year Countdown after Christmas. 28 of December, just right to wish a Belated Christmas and an Early New year to every single of you being with me throughout all these while!

Didn't really had much fun during Christmas but I guess it beats better than staying home doing nothing? Again, it's drink drank drunk. The only enjoyment is that I get to meet up with all my closed ones after such a long time. We might not talk much, we might not see each other everyday, but a smile and hug warms our heart (:

Day right after Christmas was Granny's birthday. Hope she enjoyed herself during the gathering with all the relatives. Though we, the juniors didn't enjoy much but that's not important. I sincerely pray that she will be healthy and may god bless her throughout the remaining of her life.

Mum just told me that she had promised her 'friend' to help out for 3weeks from January till February. Which means I can only start a new job around mid of February. No matter what, I'm still on my lookout of jobs. People, please spam me with jobs you're available with! Thanks in advance!

Gotta go into hibernation mode during this period of time ): No more drinks nor outings. No shopping nor entertainments. Sigh.. And everyone is telling me that I'm fat already luh! ;( Always giving people the skinny look and suddenly they're like so stun when they saw me. And I'm not exaggerating, seriously every single one of them whom see me, their first sentence would be about my size -.- It's too obvious that I'm fat already. Aww.. Ought to start my diet soon. Yes, this gonna be one of my 2011 resolution!! I need to succeed pleaseee ~ No more suppers and fattening stuffs from 31'st December 2010, 0000hrs thank you =)

Ben recovered from his poxies already and is able to return to school. Gotta bring him to school later on at 8am, yet here I am still blogging. Heh heh! My life is like so nocturnal once again without working. By hook or by crook, I gotta drag myself outta bed to send him to school. He had been going out with Mum quite a lot recently. Not very sure where they went to, but on X'mas, they went to Explorer Kids over at Ehub. Heard they were knocked out the moment they finished bathing. They must really had a good time there, after all it's the second time they been there. Already knew what's the funnest part there uh? Hmm, I hope there will be a vacancy soon over at Ben's childcare for Zen. His ability of speech though is better, but somehow he's still kinda slow. I don't know if he just doesn't want to or there's some other reasons. When I asked him where's his eyes, he would point to his eyes, but when I follow by "Where's your mouth", he starts to get bored and turn away. When he wanted something from me, at times he would tell me, but most of the times he will rather point or get it himself. Ben started improving himself after he attended school also, hopefully it will work out for Zen? And FINALLY, after 6months, Valencia can turn herself around and lie on her stomach flat. She's able to raise her head up and look around while lying on her stomach too. My mum said she's quite slow in movements cause' she is small in size, therefore doesn't had the strength to push herself around. Now that she's able to do it, of course I'm glad. However, I didn't expect that she's able to turn that fast, and today she roll down the bed. Luckily, she's alright.

In any way, friends. I know you all are concerned about my relationship. Don't worry. I will learn how to handle it. Still I've strongly emphasize that I'm not giving up the 5years relationship over a new relationship. As a onlooker, definitely you can give me your comments, but please don't judge me. Perhaps, ask yourself, how much do you know about what we both gone through? You might know, you might see but what about the depth of the truth? There's no point in explaining either. What's over is already over isn't it. Or would everything be better if we go round telling bad about each other, how much we did to hurt each other, how much lies we fabricated just to hide from each other? I believe things will be better if we separate peacefully. Thanks for all the concern.


Ain't he a sweety? How I wish he's a girl..







Here's my sweety <3








The walky-talky who can't keep quiet











Noisy brother of mine - 30'th November 2010




Gossip girls

Life's been awesomely great. Losing almost everything in an instance. Sometimes, I looked back and think if everything is worth it. Officially 19' already, yet no achievements in life. The past 19years that I've lived are just pure wastage of time. Thought I could slowly make a mark in my future, trying to build up my foundation financially but all I flunked everything, not academically in studies but everything in life.

Whatever that happened are past, and I shall just let bygones be bygones. Gonna put all my attention on the present and future! "Fate" is always used when someone couldn't find a reason to accept the failure. Well, if this is what fate have for us, I believe destiny is what we create.

Anyway, back to my life. Since November, it's been drink, drank, drunk till now. Birthday celebration and chilling sessions are all there. I'm not trying to be a bad example to my kids but one fine day, I believe they will reach this stage too. Already wasted all my teenage life, am only left with 2years, and I'm officially 21. Of course I would want to treasure all my teenage life, playing around while I still can. People whom gone through everything with me will definitely understand me.. I don't expect everyone to be sharing the same view with me, nor agree with me, but at the least just put yourself in my shoes before giving me sarcastic remarks.

Am a mother since the age of 15, 4years past. Slowly, the pressure on me is increasing. People tends to look and comment on how you teach your child, how you raise your child. Especially when you're a young and single mother. Naturally, their first impression would be that I'm a bad example to all the other young women out there, a irresponsible mother and a bad influence to my kids. Well, no matter how well I did, no one would actually say "You're good". Once you made a wrong move, they would all comment you and say "You're not good enough". How cruel can this world be.. I've slowly come to my senses. One day, I might just be able to prove them wrong. Anyway, Benfred is now having chicken pox and I believe very soon, Zenfred will be next. Would rather they have it now then in the future I think. Thus, didn't get bring them out, and had no chance to take any pictures of them either. All that I've was the earlier ones which I didn't have the time to upload. Ben is on the verge of recovering already. During this period of time, he's still very active and noisy. Chicken pox seems to be the trend now. His school already had 7cases of chicken pox and recently one of my friend, Sitoh also got it. Oh yea, supposed to attend her Birthday celebration today, but due to the poxies that she had, it's canceled. Though it's canceled, but still wanna wish her Happy 19'th Birthday and may she recover soon without any scars on her. 12years of friendship and still counting on alright! Cheers =D Valencia is already 6months old in another 4more days! She can already turn her body to her side, trying to turn around. When we lie her down on her tummy, she's able to raise her head up and look around too. Mum had started feeding her some cereal or brown rice I think. Doctors think that she's too small-sized, hopefully all the feeding will be able to help in increasing her weight. She loves to smile too, especially when someone is there, next to her accompanying her, playing with her.

I know everyone is concerned over my relationship. Thought it over seriously and carefully. Yea, perhaps my relationship with the kids' dad should be officially over. I do agree that all these years, the ups-and-downs that we gone through are way too much that it's actually a waste to give up on this relationship. But the hurt both parties endure, both parties inflicted are also way too much for a relationship to work. These 5years are actually filled with the happy and sad moments, something not every couples can go through. Though it will all be ended and perhaps one day, no one will ever remember all these, but still it will be kept as a special memory somewhere deep in my heart.. Still, I wish that everything will be going on fine for him, hoping he would one day find someone whom he truly love and will truly love him like I did before.

Secondly, I would like to clarify that I'm not giving up that relationship because of another relationship. All along, the problems we had was not something everyone could understand. I appreciate those whom understands me, stood by me but also, thanks to those whom hated me, despise me for you made me a stronger person.

I've been neglecting my blog ever since I started Facebook. A habit to just publish a status, or a photo directly. Thanks for the concern everyone gave. Received calls and texts checking to see if I'm fine. Yea, I'm still surviving. No worries peeps!

3 little kiddos is taking turns to fall sick, one after one. Struggling to juggle between so much stuffs. Wondering if I'm really able to hang on. Days without sufficient sleep were a torture. Even now, I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. Life's been mundane for the entire month but at least, enjoyable I guess.

Had been thinking quite a lot recently, reminiscing the past, looking back on the things I've done. The Shirley whom once not afraid of relationships, able to stand firm no matter what happens had now become so sensitive and paranoid. Sometimes, I just can't seem to find the courage to pursue something I yearn for. Or maybe someone like me should just stand aside and only have the chance to envy. Mixed emotions all bottled up, not knowing how to release. Sick of putting up a brave front, faking smiles and laughter, facing hypocrites and yet at the end of the day, I'm still all alone.

Felt like a failure, wasted all my time thinking I could depend on a relationship only to realize there's nothing in this world that could last a lifetime. Awaken from my dreams but still, life has gotta move on. Perhaps, it's all fated.. Given a second chance, I might still go through the same thing. If love was a game, I'm defeated - by 'you'..

Nevertheless, I'm still as passionate and lively. I believe we will all turns stronger the next time we emerge. Yes, I did. I successfully turned my life drastically into something so dramatic. If only life is easier.. Without judges and remarks. I'm egoistic and I've high self-esteem. Which is why I couldn't go all out just to strive for the happiness I yearned. Take it that I'm a bitch, who goes round messing people's life upside down.. I would never forget the day I saw you again, and that's the day you stepped into my world - 15/10/2010.


Okay, enough of my preaches. Kiddies are fine, just that they kept falling sick. Valencia is still very small sized, 4months with the weight of 5.1kg, wearing Newborn Sized clothes. Drinking only 125ml per feed. She smiles quite often now, but tends to cry easily too. Oh ya, her eyes are turning from grey to brown too. Finally one of them has inherited the genes of their dad's. Zen is having fever now. Though he might be very bad tempered and is having attitude problems, but he's such a sweet cutie. Had been trying to talk to him more often, asking him questions so that he's able to speak up more. Not sure if he can get a place successfully over at Ben's school next year but I hope so. At least, that would be able to help him overcome the difficulties he had in speech. Ben is already Nursery this year. Soon, Kindergarten 1. He's quite independent, able to settle everything on his own. But somehow I feel he's quite sensitive, not only to whatever that happen to us, but also to others. He picks up things easily which makes him easily influenced by others. Trying to correct him, putting in the right values into him. With that soft-spoken character of his, it's hard talking to him without him crying.

Phone crashed the last time I tried SSH-ing. Though managed to backup, but all the pictures are still gone. Recently, hadn't been spending much time with them either. Hopefully, pictures will be up the next time I update. I promise, it ain't gonna take long.

Here I am, waiting and waiting. Unknowingly, 3hours had past. Still, there wasn't any news of you. I'm starting to panic, so are your family. They called me up one by one. I don't know what to say, or what to answer but to nod silently.

Last night was a memorable night. 12/10/2010 - Our last night, for now. The first time we both actually went touring around Singapore. Hopped buses after buses, trains after trains. Even to Mustafa Centre for night shopping. I remembered every single thing you've told me, sent me. Whenever I thought of you, I couldn't control my tears. I've got so used to you messaging me at every moment of the day but today after 9am, I didn't receive your sms anymore. I started to get lost, and bewildered. I sent another sms to you again, and only realize that you won't be replying me anymore - for now.

I fully understand how you feel. Baby, please be strong. No matter what happens, we will always be standing by you. Every time my phone ring, I assumed it's you. Yet it's disappointments again and again. I know you can do it! Hope to receive your call soon <3>

I know I hadn't been maintaining my blog well, but I'm really trying very hard to. Life is just so mundane, at times I think. Practically just about work and home.

Office is moving to Eunos in a week's time, a bigger place and also my own office. I'm so looking forward to it! Actually, I have no idea where that place is at all but with iPhone, I think I might be able to get there without getting lost. Friends know that I'm not someone who's very good in directions. I can even get lost at my own area. Therefore, the maps in my phone is really a good option. Up to now, I'm still able to cope with the work and am still learning the ropes to handle well everything.

As for my private life.. There's nothing much to talk about, you can see it for yourself. Whatever it appears to be, might not be the facts. Things that you can't see might be all that's happening all the while. Having quite a few conflicts and misunderstandings with each other. The road ahead is full of obstructs and I've no confidence to walk it through. Perhaps both of us are just used to the life we lead on our own. For now, I just wanna work towards my aim and achieve my goals.

Ben just went to the zoo yesterday. A school trip. He came back telling us about giraffes, rhinoceros, elephants and even orang utans! Such a talkative boy. Going on and on about what he did and what he saw. He can even sing "Eenie Meenie". Wondering if too much of these is good or bad. It's proven that he doesn't seem to like mandarin songs. In fact, he's in love with "Right Round", "Sugar" and "Eenie Meenie". At times, looking at him made me think of his dad. Of course not only the looks, he has his dad's characteristic running in him. Equally stubborn. Too much caning isn't good but a spoiled child is worst.

Zen is alright, learning things at a slow pace. Eating non-stop, drinking non-stop. However a loving brother, compared to Ben. He dotes on Valencia and knows what to do when Valencia starts crying. Though he might dote on Valencia but I can actually feel he yearns to play with his brother more. He would follow whatever Ben do, run towards Ben the moment Ben called out for him. Bought the 3 of them to Bedok last weekend with my Mum. Wanted to buy a pair of earring and an anklet for Valencia. Both the boys are so naughty! Running here and there. When I threatened to beat Ben when we reached home, he immediately call out to Zen and hugged him telling him to be with him so that at least both of them would get the canings together -.- Zen might have a bad temper, crying at the slightest things, but he's such a cutie. Kissing me every night before he goes to bed and also hugging me sweetly every evening I returns home. Very sweet right? Up to the age of 2, people still thinks that he's a girl. I even dress him in blue you know. Oh my god. Too bad he ain't a girl, else he would be so adorable especially when he kisses you..

Valencia is already 3months. Looking forward to next month when she eat baby food, 6months when she can slowly turn and also dressing her up when her hair is long! Until now, she's still wearing the premature baby size and sometimes the newborn size. Those that are for 3months - 6months, she can't fit in at all. It's way too big :( Up to now, she has got a wardrobe full of clothes already! Bought a hairband with wig at 2sides for her too. She loves people talking to her and would smile whenever my mum talk to her. Somehow, her intake of milk doesn't increase and is stuck at 4olz now. At times, she can't even finish 4olz. She's been drinking 4olz ever since she's 2months I think. Sigh.. If this goes on, I think she would be stuck at this size. Anyway, she's going for her immunization jab today with Mum. Shall update everyone again or you can go to circle of moms, be a fan of Benfred/Zenfred/Valencia or all 3 and catch their updates even quickly!


你说你爱我, 难道这就是你爱我的方式.
我已分不清是非黑白, 分不清到底哪一个才是真正的你.
为何总要到失去才懂得珍惜?
一切已经来不及, 也回不去了.
你答应我的原来都只是一场游戏, 一场梦..

A month since I start working. First time getting my pay cheque. Anyway, after deducting this and that, left with not much either. Things are going smoothly, at least for now. Didn't get to spend much time with kids. Especially Valencia, I miss her so so so much every time I'm at work! Bought a hairband with wig for her. She look so damn adorable with it! Shall take pictures of her soon.

It's Zen's birthday today. Planned to bring him and Ben over to Explorer Kids at E!hub. There's a huge playground full of balls. Nothing's gonna satisfy them more than this. Was actually frowning over where to bring them to. Gonna celebrate both their birthdays together since it's only a difference of 10days and I need to work on Ben's birthday too. Thought of Barney's performance over at Singapore Expo, Universal Studio and Explorer Kids. Ended up coming with the conclusion of going over to E!hub. So much to consider especially when I'm bringing them with me. They're so naughty and mischievous. Thus can only bring them over to places where they can play and play non stop! Haha.

Thanks for the wishes and concern everyone gave! Am so glad that everyone actually care so much for us. We really appreciate that. Shall reward back with this long update and pictures.

Had work on the Saturday morning. By the time I reached home and fetched the kids, it's already quite late. Went over to Explorers kids around 7pm. Initially when we reach there, Ben and Zen was kinda afraid. We tried the maze playground at first. Somehow, Ben went the wrong way and couldn't get over to the slide where we were at and started crying  Had to go over and show him the way. While sliding down, Zen was scared and cried too. So we thought it might be better if we bring them to the pool of balls. Indeed, once we reached there, Ben drowned himself into the pool straight. Zen is alright with playing the balls but he didn't want to go into the pool. Guess he's afraid of stepping on the balls. After an hour or so.. Both the kids are familiarizing themselves. Ben can play on his own and Zen moving around. Went for dinner around 9pm aftermath and home for cake. 

Spent quite a lot that day but guess everything's worth it. Took a few videos of them sliding down the slide. Somehow the format of videos in iPhone is different. Shall try to configure it and upload the videos probably in the next update. Be patient everyone and thanks for reading!