Yeah, has got a few photos of baby girl already. Too bad there's no scanner for me to upload it. Did took photos of Ben and Zen too. But its hard to upload the photos up as I don't have my own computer now. Shall try my best to upload them if there's a chance. Try my best uh! Haha.
Ben and Zen are going to be kor kor soon. Really wonder how will they feel. I already told Ben that he will have a younger sister soon. He knows that my stomach has a younger sister too. But its gonna be another experience for him. Hopefully, they can accept it well. Zen is getting more and more naughtier now, really! When he can't gets the toys he want, he will starts to scream and cry. If he fell down, he will run towards me and wants me to sayang him lo! Seriously, I think that he's sweeter and cuter than Ben cause' the way he kisses you and smiles really makes you melt. As for Ben, he's the more mature type. He can really go into a conversation with me and starts talking about something. One thing I just realized is that, his Mandarin really cannot make it. He tends to speak English instead of Mandarin already. Maybe I emphasis that his English must be very good. But now, he's so used to it that he speaks to my granny in English too and yet, my granny don't understand English.
In just another 2months plus, my baby girl will be born. Though after being a mother of two, I still tends to feel the tense and pressure. I guess its because I know I will be alone this time. He wouldn't be there to hold my hands or cut the baby's cord anymore. It is a contradicting feeling. Of course, I'm happy that its a baby girl but the thought of facing it alone just makes me feel upset. Guess in another month's time, I will be shopping around for my baby girl's clothing. Once I think of it, I feel contented. Oh yeah, I planned to name my baby girl - Xuki. People may wonder why, but of course, there's a reason to it. As for the chinese name, it might be something close to Xuki, XueQi maybe? I haven decide yet. So.. Xuki Lim or Xuki Yang? Well... Let time decide then.
Yes, you won't be reading this, for sure and I know. But I know if I don't type it out, I might just go crazy thinking about it. I don't know when are you the real you. The one worrying if I'm hungry, cooks for me when I feel like eating, patting me when I'm crying and hugging me when I'm feeling depressed. Or the one treating me coldly replying only with a word, "ya" "orh" "dunno" "see how". Its like there are boundaries around you, and its changing everyday. Every time I take a step towards you, I will feel scared. I don't know where is your limits and I'm afraid that I will step on your limits one day. You gave me hope but you are also the one that smashed my hopes. A day of happiness, a few days of sorrows. Whatever that you said, I tried my best to believe. No matter whatever I found out, I kept it silently within me. I find no courage to know the truth as I'm afraid that I will lose you now and forever. Maybe you don't need me anymore or its just me that needs you all the time. Till now, I've used countless ways till I've no more ways anymore except waiting quietly. I've kept my promises and I think now, its just time to see if you will keep yours.
