I'm feeling all so pressurized and stressed up. At this point of time, Weikiat is not by my side. I know he is feeling stressed up because of his own matters too. I do not want to bother him but my heart just can't stop running towards him. This time, its really a ordeal for both of us. I don't know if I can manage everything by myself but I will try my best to. Be it for the sake of me, or my kids. Mum is so worried about me. She always tries to talk me out of smoking, asking me to take care of myself, don't let her worry. I really wanted to take good care of myself, rest more so that I can give birth to a pretty baby girl but I can't. I see myself losing motivation as day passes. I can only feel the hurt and pain my heart is feeling.
Ben and Zen are fine for now. Ben wakes up early in the morning and attend school everyday. As for Zen, he wakes up quite late and plays with his toys all day long. Though Zen can't really speak alot, but he can really understand whatever that I'm telling him. I don't really have the mood to take pictures of them now therefore, I can't upload any photos. But they are still as active as before, as healthy as before. Mum just bought a new Barney puzzle for Ben and he's so in love with it now. It's a little harder to fix compared to the previous ones he has so he did took a longer time. Shall video him doing the puzzle soon and upload it here. This time round, I will remember not to tilt my phone so that the videos are alright.
It's already Friday today. Weekends are coming and Monday are arriving. My gynae referred me to KK hospital speciallist for the check ups as KK hospital charges are cheaper. He said that if baby girl is really a premature baby, in Thomson Medical, they are charging $2000 per day for the incubator therefore, no choice but to go KK hospital. Appointment is this coming Monday, 22Jan. I don't know this time, what they are going to check again but I'm feeling so tensed and unstable. Really hope that everything's gonna be alright. If I can, after the appointment, I will try to update you guys again.
♥
I know I'm typing for the sake of typing for you will not be seeing all these. Still, I'm hoping that one day you will understand. All these days without you, my heart is aching. I've finally knew what's forcing you away. Its my fault that I led you to have those insecure feeling. Its also my fault that you are having no trust in me now. The tears can't stop flowing down my cheeks everyday. Without fail, my heart is bound to ache and pain. Is this the punishment that you're giving to me? For the past few months, I really tried my best to prove myself to you. Why is the chance being taken off now? Benfred cries for you every night but I don't know how to explain to him. I don't wanna hurt the kids, neither do I want to force you. I'm trying hard to calm down all the feelings in me. I've told myself again and again, be strong, not to take things so hard but I can't. Its so hard to do it. Why is love so torturing and tormenting? I remembered how we used to love each other. I remembered how we used to spend time with each other. If the love is there, I believe one day, we will be reunited once again as a family. I believe we will..
