What the hell am I thinking about [?]! I actually regretted giving birth to Zenfred cause I can't go drinking. (-.-) I know its wrong to think this way but I never even planned to give birth to him in the first place.
Forget about that since I already accepted it and my mood is back to normal. But my temperamental mood and attitudes are back - No reasons, no why.
One of the reasons might link to Darling's enlistment. Friends suggest him using our kids as excuse to get off the enlistment yet I disagree. I thought that every guy should have a NS life as it is what every man in Singapore goes through and if he don't, a part of life will be deleted from his memory. Besides that, my personal opinion is "Only after 2years of NS life then a guy can be considers A MAN."
Of cause, some people might not agree with that but there's what I believe in. Yea, I think this way with my heart telling me I can't bear with him. After his enlistment, I will be handling 2kids and everything alone. Moreover, staying at his house. That's the pressure and stress I'm facing.
There's really too much for me to take it. Everything is cooped inside me. Uh-huh, that's me! I hate to feel weak about myself and I rather keep quiet than to tell others. Hoping I can find solutions to solve the problem instead of troubling others. Despite knowing there's alot of 'YOU' out there willing to be there for me but still I can't.
Ever since I had Benfred, I stopped contacting my friends. There's a feeling in me. That kinda of self-despise and inferior feeling.. I dread meeting people as I fear troubling them. With a kid, its definitely noisier. I dislike comments like 'So embarrassing or even 'Lose face'. And that's the reason why I seldom bring kids out with friends.
There's so much mixed emotions with me. I'm confused, so so confused. When I thought everything was stable and fine, things goes wrong..........
♥ MrsLaoshu signing off
